something i wrote to my girlfriend, but didn't send, to make me feel better >.>
lol ><;;


i feel that recently, my existence has caused nothing but disruption in our relationship. well, we woldn't have a relationship if i didn't exist so let me reword that.. my.. inability to completely deal with what's happened.
it would seem apparent to me that my stubborn insistence has caused you only to hate me more and more. i feel that my being around has screwed with the unfolding of your life. what could've been a slow maturity taken at your leisure, has now been catalyzed into something unstable. it's obvious that all this pressure isnt good for you, and who am i to put it on you? maybe i had a right when i thought you loved me. but since that is not so, i'm nothing more than a boy you like. i've no right or excuse even to put such pressure on you anymore.
i know you probably detest my existence right now. when you first attempted to stop talking to lawrence, you told me you began to hate me for 'making' you do that. it tore you apart to be unable to talk to this boy. and from there, i knew that this would become a problem for us. there's no point going over it all again, but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about, given our recent chats. from there, i could assume that you probably didn't have a very good day yesterday. cause i mean, neither did i. so i'm sorry for picking such a bad day to talk to you about such things. i realize that it was christmas, and i'm sorry for not considering that.
but i just couldn't stand it, i had to talk about something. i don't know if you'll be able to understand, but when i went into a relationship with you, knowing about your commitment problems and what not, i put my trust in you to be commited to me, to be my girlfriend. now, i'm not saying you've been unfaithful or anything of the sort, but when you told me about how you didn't truly love me, i'll admit i lost a chunk of my trust in you and my faith was shattered.
now, you're asking for a second chance, and where, may i ask, am i to put my faith now? trust would have to be re-earned, but faith, needs a place to go. and honestly, i can't find anything in the past for me to put my faith in, at least, not alone. i need help. so i'm sorry. i've been pushing and nudging you, hoping that you'd do something, something in the present or future that i could put my faith in. because right now, i'm hanging by a thread, a thread thats now old and withered. i need something new to hang onto.
you say you want a serious relationship for me, but you're not ready. but until you take the first step, whether large or small, i continue to hang by this thread. right now, you've nothing to show or prove to me that you will do as you say you will. and its difficult for me to put blind faith after what's just happened. please understand, that i'm not strong enough to do this after the beating i've just endured, not without something to hold onto.
so, i really don't know what i should do now. i'm not even sure what it is that you want. i don't know what you envision for our relationship right now. i didn't want all this drama, and hopefully, neither did you. but it's happened, and i want it to go away.
and right now, you hate me. and i don't know what else i can do to make you happy. should i leave? lay low? do you want me to just stop being your boyfriend until you're ready? cause i really don't know what you want. so please, just tell me. you're important to me, and i don't want to lose you. so whatever i'm doing wrong, tell me how to fix it.

revelations~

after all that's happened in the past month
right now, i don't really feel like typing much
but i feel like i should write this down somewhere.. just cause.. i should? i dunno

in any case, the past two months of my relationship has been.. a lie
or at least, a misunderstanding~
my girlfriend doesn't love me like she says she does, and i believed it
all those things i questioned, have been answered
why did she do what she did? cause she didn't love me!
all so easy...
and now everything's been swept away..

she asked for a second chance, and seemed pretty genuine about it, so i'm giving it..
but that doesn't change how it hurts when she does what she does..
i mean, at least she's justified now cause she doesn't actually love me, unlike before when she was 'supposed' to.
in any case, all i can do now i wait and see if she truly will come to love me.. it's hard to even comprehend if she likes me..
oh well~

guess i'll just be dealing with this for the next month or so, waiting
sometimes i wonder if it's even worth it

her track record shows that she'd just forget about me and find someone else.
but i don't want to believe that, and i feel that there's more to her than that
but what do i know? i've been dating a 'fake' so to speak

really, i'm not sure what parts were true and what parts weren't
i can only try to convince myself now that whatever happens from here on out is true and heartfelt~

so i'll pray, and wait




«·´`·.(*·.¸(`·.¸ I'm hanging by a thread ¸.·´)¸.·*).·´`·»
‹^›«·´¨*`·.¸¸.·* I want to be free *·.¸¸.·´*¨`·»‹^›
«·´`·.(¸.·´(¸.·* How long until you tell me the truth? *·.¸)`·.¸).·´`·»

Thanksgivingg!~~ :D

wooo i'm finally home for thanksgiving!! :D
i guess i wasn't super excited beforee~
kinda dreaded being away from amanda for 4 days hahaha

BUT hey, now i'm home and it's great ! :D
it's just nice to be in my own room again! and sleep in my bed! and stufff
haha

OKay~ ima make mashed potatoes and pie todayy hehe :]
weee

wish i could spend a thanksgiving with you some time, amanda! :x



i should make a post about what i'm thankful for later
hehe if i remember :x

One month!! :D

omggg so like..

Amanda came over last night, but she seemed kinda downn
and i pried out of her that she didn't really feel like coming over cause she was tiredd
but instead of telling me that, she just came anyway!! D:
i felt badd cause i kinda invited her over, but happy that she came anyway haha >
anyhoww!~
so like today, as in before it became 12 =-= but yea! todayy is one month since we've started going out

ahh i guess i didn't think it was a big day or anythingg
but! she made a little picture frame with our picture in it!~
and left it on my desk! she put it there while i was in class
haha sneakeh sneakehh
ahhhh sooo happy when i saw itt

wahh gush gush ><
i was smiling dumbly at nothing for the longest timee
wahhh :D

okok :]
if i got back earlier, the post would actually say the right date =-=
lol ><

College! xD

Since i failed to actually blog last time.. i'm going to attempt one more time haha xD

So yea! i'm in college now :]
and it's great here!
this campus is just sooo chill and beautiful ! :D

plus, i've made lots of good friends~!
and a girlfriend too! o.o
ahhh~ xDD

so happy here, heh
the day we got together is so easy to remember too! haha 101909
see?! so oool xD
.
..
...
you see it right? the 101? and the 909? haha

so yea! so crazehh~
everything is good, and happy, and... complicated?


before i got with my girlfriend, her name is Amanda btw!, she was in a really close relationship with another guy, like they were pretty much together!
but they weren't? x.x
for some reason, that didn't work out, like he cut their relationship short
so now they're just friends, even though she liked him a lot!~
and then, shortly after, we got together xD!

so i guess i need some advice
even though i feel that we're really happy together, and she really loves me! and i love her!
whenever i see her with that other guy, they're still friends, she's always smiling and looking reallly happy!
i wish i could make her that happy, all the time. :\
then i either get really sad for not being able to make her that happy~
or a little pissed that he can and i can't
then occasionally, i wonder if she picked me cause she couldn't pick him D:
advice on how to cope?

a new beginning o.O

OK!
so i've decided to start over.
yep!
and this time, i shall remember to actually update :D
yush~

have i ever mentioned that the ghost in the shell ost is awesome?
well now i have :]
nyahh~

i'll think of something.
soon.
this is really just an excited "i'm back!!" post
with really.. no actual substance at all
xDD