kinny's bloggyy? :3

something i wrote to my girlfriend, but didn't send, to make me feel better >.>
lol ><;;


i feel that recently, my existence has caused nothing but disruption in our relationship. well, we woldn't have a relationship if i didn't exist so let me reword that.. my.. inability to completely deal with what's happened.
it would seem apparent to me that my stubborn insistence has caused you only to hate me more and more. i feel that my being around has screwed with the unfolding of your life. what could've been a slow maturity taken at your leisure, has now been catalyzed into something unstable. it's obvious that all this pressure isnt good for you, and who am i to put it on you? maybe i had a right when i thought you loved me. but since that is not so, i'm nothing more than a boy you like. i've no right or excuse even to put such pressure on you anymore.
i know you probably detest my existence right now. when you first attempted to stop talking to lawrence, you told me you began to hate me for 'making' you do that. it tore you apart to be unable to talk to this boy. and from there, i knew that this would become a problem for us. there's no point going over it all again, but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about, given our recent chats. from there, i could assume that you probably didn't have a very good day yesterday. cause i mean, neither did i. so i'm sorry for picking such a bad day to talk to you about such things. i realize that it was christmas, and i'm sorry for not considering that.
but i just couldn't stand it, i had to talk about something. i don't know if you'll be able to understand, but when i went into a relationship with you, knowing about your commitment problems and what not, i put my trust in you to be commited to me, to be my girlfriend. now, i'm not saying you've been unfaithful or anything of the sort, but when you told me about how you didn't truly love me, i'll admit i lost a chunk of my trust in you and my faith was shattered.
now, you're asking for a second chance, and where, may i ask, am i to put my faith now? trust would have to be re-earned, but faith, needs a place to go. and honestly, i can't find anything in the past for me to put my faith in, at least, not alone. i need help. so i'm sorry. i've been pushing and nudging you, hoping that you'd do something, something in the present or future that i could put my faith in. because right now, i'm hanging by a thread, a thread thats now old and withered. i need something new to hang onto.
you say you want a serious relationship for me, but you're not ready. but until you take the first step, whether large or small, i continue to hang by this thread. right now, you've nothing to show or prove to me that you will do as you say you will. and its difficult for me to put blind faith after what's just happened. please understand, that i'm not strong enough to do this after the beating i've just endured, not without something to hold onto.
so, i really don't know what i should do now. i'm not even sure what it is that you want. i don't know what you envision for our relationship right now. i didn't want all this drama, and hopefully, neither did you. but it's happened, and i want it to go away.
and right now, you hate me. and i don't know what else i can do to make you happy. should i leave? lay low? do you want me to just stop being your boyfriend until you're ready? cause i really don't know what you want. so please, just tell me. you're important to me, and i don't want to lose you. so whatever i'm doing wrong, tell me how to fix it.